This is Goodnight but not Goodbye

"Many people have asked me how I am concerning the heavy transition to Missouri. I tell them I'm nervous, or can't wait to leave, or sometimes I am at a loss for words and smile really hard while nodding my head. The truth is I have no idea what I feel. I really don't feel any sincere excitement, or sadness. I've heard and seen great things at Cottey and I am told I am going to have the time of my life there. I suppose you can never really have emotion for what you haven't seen or experienced. Perhaps thats the best way to enter college. No expectations, fears, doubts, or excessive excitement for what you've imagined it to be." - Pre-Cottey Katie, August 2009

Four hundred and forty eight days later, I sit in my room, looking at the bare white walls wondering what made the clocks tick as fast as they did. I imagine my former August self arriving on campus and helping her to her room. How many differences between us would there be now? Would it be right to tell her how to handle the hurdles she was going to face? Every once in a while I would look over my blogs and shake my head in amazement at all the thoughts my time at Cottey has provoked. I have tried to remember the person I was before Cottey and who I might have become if I had chosen to live at home or go to another college. What would life have been without Cottey? That question has approached my mind in all contexts. Yes, I hate to say it but there were nights I sat in my room wishing I had never come here and stayed with my parents. Those days were accompanied by those where I could gracefully end my parent's nagging with the click of a button. Sometimes it seemed like life at Cottey would go on forever. I can say now, however, that I have not a single regret in the past two years. I have learned more about myself sooner than I ever thought I would; and most of me, I get along with!

My mom tells me that I could write a book with all the material Cottey has given me. There were many personalities I had no idea existed until I met them here. How many life stories have I encountered since being here? The classroom was only the tip of the iceberg of my educational experience. Everyday, as I saw others make choices, I was influenced on how to make my own. What worked for others, sometimes did not work for me. In high school, my theater teacher taught me that everyone, always has some kind of objective. The ways of achieving our objectives, are what makes us different. Some girls call upon tears and puppy eyes to charm their opponents. Some intimidate and thrash raw fists against doors. There are also, of course, those who prefer the escapism route and seclude themselves into the world of hallucinogens.

This year, four girls in my suite dropped out of Cottey. The same story applied to all of them; they skipped class once, twice, missed a test, too ashamed to go back, missed class again, and thus began their endless chain. Today, I hugged my best friend at Cottey and said goodbye. She dropped out in the last week of classes and was not going to stay for graduation. She had no idea what happened to her. She said she never saw this coming. How could missing a few classes lead to this? I had no words of comfort or wisdom for her. I couldn't imagine being in her position. She didn't realize that a chain reaction could form from these habits. She began to drown and didn't know how to surface again. In my lifeguarding class, as we received our certifications on the last day of class, our teacher told us that this is a beginning and not an end to our knowledge. She said that she felt that our most useful skills as a lifeguard were not performing CPR or first aid. They are recognizing a victim while they are still breathing and above the surface. A game of chicken in the water could only be fun and games, or it could lead to a serious injury. It is up to us to make the choice wether to treat it like a hazard or an innocent game.

How similar is ditching a class to playing a game of chicken? You're trying so hard to balance and stay above the surface of the water. If your inner lifeguard can't realize that you need to stop, then you will begin to sink. I wish my friends had sought help before sinking. I wish they had thought twice before jumping in the deep end. In my freshman year I myself felt like I was tied to bricks and sinking fast. My lifeguard (one of my seniors) heard my cry for help and jumped in and pulled me out. The counselor took it from there! Without her help, I don't think I would have dropped out, but I know that my first two years of college would have been a lot harder. Perhaps one of the most important lessons I will take from Cottey is the ability to recognize when I need help - when others need help. Some swimmers don't like to call out for help, even when they need it most. Every now and then, we all feel weak, in need of help, and alone. Sometimes, if we are lucky, others are there to save us. If we are alone, however, we may need to learn how to jump in and save ourselves.

My lifeguards these two years were my parents, my PEO's my counselor at Cottey, my friends (both new and old) and my beloved little brother. I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your support. Whether it was a card or a phone call, you all kept in touch with me through the bad patches and the good. I want you to know that I attribute my successful completion of my Associates in the Arts to my support group. I don't care to think about how I would have done this without you all. Thank you.