Judgement of Judgement

Discovering my inner identity has been a continuous dreadful process; while friends are happily playing with their inner selves, I sit in the corner of Barnes and Noble hopelessly pouring through every self help book I can get my hands on. I always thought I knew who I was but somewhere along the line I must have fallen off the wagon and am now looking to find my way back. There were moments as I grew up when believed I unlocked a key aspect of my personality; or great hinderance of my real potential. This days of great revelation was fun to thrive and and then wore off as I merely forgot about them. After having had so many joyous moments, I realized that I was never alone when I had my epiphany. I always adopted a friends or family member's thoughts and never looked to create my own. From 6th grade to well, now, I bounced between trusting in my parents, friends, councilors, relatives and so forth. I usually changed my advisor whenever I did something that differed with their beliefs. I realized that I was looking for someone who agreed with everything I thought so, when I had an unanswered question, they would have a good answer. Today I am still looking for this 'Katie Like' being. So far, no luck.

When I went home for winter break, my mom asked me why I would always accompany my parents on errands. "Um, because I don't want to be alone?" I wasn't convinced that this was the real answer, but I had to say something. I didn't think that being alone was a real issue for me; yet at the sound of a parent leaving the house, I jumped at the chance to go with them. One day over spring break, I decided to stay home instead of running to the store. Sitting in my room I wondered what I would do with myself. Eventually I went to go see what was on TV and spent that half hour watching stand up comedy. I was rather dissatisfied with how I was spending my time and wished I had gone to the store to do something productive. Suddenly I had another revelation. Subconsciously, every time I had the chance to spend time with someone else, I did because I believed that their judgement in their use of time would be far better than mine. While my mom made crucial family dietary choices, I sat on the couch. However, if she ended up staying at home doing the same, I wouldn't have thought it was a waste of time; it was her decision as well so it wasn't entirely my fault, right?

If I had to change one thing about myself, I would change the mental turmoil I undertake every time I make a decision. What is a trivial choice to some is a rigorous brain teaser to me. While some choose PP&J for lunch, I stand at the sandwich counter sweating over the kind of bread I use. Sometimes I wish there was no such thing as regret. Yes, I know, regret helps us grow from our mistakes, but in my case it seems to cause more grief than its worth. If I make a decision that doesn't ride well with my parents, what will I do if it doesn't work out? I understand that I am still learning, however, I would hate to waste time and money on my beliefs when the parents, or the friends were right all along. So, I ask, how can you know when to trust your own judgement? Do you base it off an inner instinct or immediate happiness and gratification? Or do you base it off the hope that after the rough spot is over, you will achieve your awaited goal? How do you deal with the not so happy end results when you realize that the peers were right all along and if you had listened, who knows what would have happened.